He led me where I thought I didn't want to go

The Lord leads us in so many ways that we don't expect. I didn't know that He could lead me in a direction so pointedly as He has these past few weeks. I went home to visit my family near the beginning of October. I got to spend almost a whole week there with them and with the believers in my church back home. Of course, this made me miss them a whole ton and wanted to go back. Don't get me wrong, I would miss all of my friends here to the enth degree, too, if I left. I also love everyone back home and I am sad to be apart from them right now. I have always said that I didn't want to do school and that I'd rather work. I'm not sure why that is, it's just where I gravitate. I told my parents that I wanted to leave Master's after the end of this semester and come home which really seemed to come out of left field to them. Not what they were expecting to hear.

I didn't want to hear anyone argue with me. I listened to counsel and prayed and asked the Lord to make it clear to me whether He would want me to go home or stay at school. Almost a week after I came back from visiting, I made a "final decision." My parents told me that they would be supportive of whatever decision I made, but that their counsel was for me to stay and grow that way. I wrote my parents an email, telling them where I was coming from. Here is part of it:

"I believe I have the freedom to choose whether I want to stay at Master's or go home. Once I make a final decision, I think I will be at rest. The Lord provides grace for mistakes, knows that I will fail, and has forgiven me anyway. If I make the wrong decision, I pray He will be gentle and gracious. Both options are equally beneficial in my opinion. He will still work out everything for my good because I am His and I love Him. The decision to stay may not be permanent. The decision to leave my not be permanent. I see benefit and blessing to staying and being involved here. I see benefit and blessing to leaving and changing the environment around me. It is before the Lord I stand and give account. He will teach me in the way I ought to go. Ultimately, God will judge my heart (Romans 14:12). I have listened to and heard counsel. I heeded counsel to come to Master's this year and it has been a good learning experience. I am in no way ungrateful for the Lord's provision for me to be here and I thank Him for it often. Through thought, prayer, and some study, I have come to a final decision about next semester. I have decided that I believe Fallon is the best place for me at this point in my unpredictable life."

That decision lasted all of four days. I kept having this nagging feeling that I was doing something wrong. I wanted to hurry up and get the semester over with so that I could get home before something prevented me. I was trying to undermine God - as if that were possible. I was so uneasy that I had to keep calling my parents to reassure me that my decision was okay. I knew their preference was for me to stay. They both thought I would benefit and grow more if I stayed at Master's. I didn't want that to be the case. 

Finally, after several days, I broke down and told my mom how I was feeling. I felt depressed ever since I made my decision. I kept feeling uneasy. I denied that my moods had anything to do with my decision, even though I knew that they were probably related. After talking with her for awhile, I finally changed my mind. With many tears, I went ahead and began my pre-registration for next semester. The tears did not last long, though. I was quickly in a better mood and have been happier ever since.

I know that those feelings of doubt, depression, and denial were worth listening to. There was a reason I was not feeling right. There was a reason I was having a hard time finding any joy. And I am oh so glad that I chose to stay!! It's not even the end of the semester yet, but I am excited to begin next semester. The reason? Because I know it's going to be worth it! I know that the outcome is going to be far beyond my expectations. I don't like being in an uncomfortable situation, but the Lord is going to grow me. And that is what I'm excited about. I am very much looking forward to staying at Master's and growing with the people here and in my church who I love. I praise the Lord for His faithfulness and gentleness in bringing me to a decision that I know will glorify Him and will have greater benefit. :)