God's Timing

Why is God's timing so difficult for us? I don't think that it's the timing itself that's difficult at all, actually. God's timing is always perfect. The difficulty comes in when we are afraid. We are afraid that God will not give us what we want in the end, so we are afraid to wait on His timing. We want an answer now so that we can start planning for how we are going to react and protect our hearts should some horrible thing happen. We have something - mind you, a very good something - that we want to happen. We hope for it, we pray for it, we dream about it, but we don't have assurance that it's going to happen. We think it will and we want it to, but we don't know. We want an answer. The tendency is to be afraid to hope for that thing, saying that God's timing is so hard! Let me back up a little bit.

God has really been teaching me about the perfection of His timing as of late. It is always something that I am going to be learning, but lately it's been at the forefront of my thoughts. There is something in my life that I am hoping happens very soon! Without getting into detail, it is something I hold very dear to my heart. It is something I have prayed about for a long time. It is something that looks like a real possibility; a situation that looks almost too perfect to even be possible. So I pray about it and agonize over it. In my agonizing, I had realized that I had turned a potential good gift from the Lord into an idol.

I began to fear that the Lord would present this wonderful and amazing opportunity and then take it away from me - as if our God were a cruel God. I know He's not cruel. He sent His Son to die for us and save us from eternal damnation. Instead of my desire being a good and godly one, it became a point of fear for me. I began to pray that the Lord would not only grant it to me, but that He would grant it to me ASAP. The reason I wanted an answer ASAP was so that I could plan accordingly and prepare my heart for whatever comes - joy or heartache.

This fear manifested itself in another situation as well - the situation with the arrival of my new sister. We knew the Lord had her for our family. We felt sure that she was going to be part of us. But things happened that pushed the adoption process out further. It looked as though the Lord might be presenting an amazing opportunity before us and then removing it. The fear crept in that if we didn't have an answer right away, we wouldn't know what to prepare for. We prayed and prayed that she would at least get to come home by Christmas. By the Lord's grace, she is coming home tomorrow - right before Christmas! But we didn't know that until yesterday.

My point is that God does not do things to tease us. Whatever the situation, the Lord is going to work it out in the end - and it's going to be perfect! What I really hate is not knowing the answer. I hate not having clarity. I hate not being able to prepare myself or brace myself for what is going to happen. But that's not a choice that I get to make. This particular situation that I am presented with right now has no answer for me yet. I probably won't know anything until at least the beginning of the semester - a month from now. That is killing me as I lay here in bed, day after day, recovering from surgery with nothing to do. But it is teaching me something. It is teaching me to rest in the Lord's timing, in His promises, and in His faithfulness. It is teaching me that He is always good and that my purpose in life is to glorify Him. I already knew it in theory. Knowing it in reality is a different story and I'm so thankful for His patience with me. My prayer is still the same. I pray daily that the Lord will grant me my request, but I want Him to grant it to me for His glory. If it does not glorify Him, then I want to submit to that with a glad heart.

What Defines Maturity?

What defines maturity? I have been encouraged to think about this quite a lot lately. Is it always looking like you have your life figured out? Is it living on your own and having a career? Is it being married with kids? Or is there something more? The Lord has been gently and patiently teaching me His definition of maturity - and it has been a bit shocking for me to recognize it.

I grew up with the idea that I always need to act my age - which is true, mind you. I need to stand up and do something with my life, act like a lady, put away childish things, and be a mature adult. So, as a result, I took that to mean I had to figure my life out. To me, I had to always act like a lady, put away childish things, and "be a mature adult." That meant refusing to do things that could appear childish such as goofing around, acting silly, and having fun, basically. Being mature meant that I had to have my life on track; I had to have a stable career, home life, relationship, etc. I basically looked down upon people who didn't have the same "high standards" as I did. Nothing could interrupt or delay my plans. I had my life completely put together and nothing was going to stop me.

All of those ideas about being "mature" carried over into my life as a believer. Somehow I still thought that my life had to be planned out and that I had to know everything that was going to happen to me. At least...up until about this last month. I was having a conversation with a friend when he helped me realize that I really didn't know what I was going to do with my life. That is when the Lord began to really humble me more than He already had been. After I made my decision to stay at school, I thought that my relationship with the Lord would immediately feel blissful and worry-free again. It didn't.

I continued to have that almost "disconnected" feeling with the Lord, even after I made the decision to stay. I began to think, "If I don't take care of this feeling now, then I'll end up falling into all kinds of sin." Panic filled my heart. I began to work harder at finding out how I could regain my worry-free lifestyle again. And here I was, trying to find a way to fix my own problems instead of coming to the end of myself and asking the Lord to fix it. He is really teaching me.

It all came to a head last night in a conversation with a very good friend of mine who confronted me on what she saw as a potential pride issue. I think I took more away from that conversation than she intended. I realized that, in my desire to appear "mature", I was presenting myself in a very immature way. My so-called maturity was showing my level of immaturity! By ensuring that I wasn't acting "childish", I was making myself out to be something I was not. Needless to say, I am very thankful for that conversation. I woke up pretty subdued this morning - in a good way. Per Pete Bargas, maturity can be described as follows: "Maturity moves beyond fun and compatible to seek faithfulness, selflessness, and humility." I like that definition.

I decided to write about all of this just to share what the Lord has been teaching me in my life as of late. I am truly being humbled! It is God's grace that has opened my heart to correction and it is by that same grace that I know I will continue to grow in Him. Oftentimes I feel as though I will not ever be able to conquer certain sins in my life, but that is self-focused thinking. The Lord is able to strengthen me. I cannot strengthen myself, nor will I ever conquer sin. But I don't have to - because He already has on the cross! I am so thankful for Romans 8; I am no longer under condemnation and nothing will separate me from the love of Christ. Nothing. Even my pride. Ever.

Halloween - Not So Innocent

I have often wondered if Halloween is something that ought to be celebrated by Christians. I will be interested to hear what others think about it. After all, the holiday is a lot of fun. Every year on October 31st kids and adults from all over the place dress in various costumes and attend special events or parties to celebrate a holiday called Halloween. The kids go from door to door asking for candy, smiling in their costumes, with their parents right beside them. The evening of the holiday is filled with fun, excitement, parties for some, Trick-or-Treat rounds for others, and lots of sugar. Seems innocent, right? Not so much.

Halloween is specifically a holiday to commemorate Satanism. This tradition goes all the way back to about 200 B.C. Be prepared, this post is not for the squeamish and requires discretion on the part of the reader. If you do not want the details, you may want to skip the next paragraph entirely. The original name of this holiday is actually "The Feast of Samhain" and celebrates hatred of God in an extremely vile form. Samhain (pronounced sah-WEEN), or the "Lord of Darkness", is the whole reason this so-called holiday was celebrated in the first place. This pagan god was of the most disgusting evil, requiring his followers to participate in some pretty gory traditions. The people who participated in this original Halloween believed that the veil between the living and dead opened and allowed for interaction. This night was a celebration of the removal of that veil. Does that remind you of anything?

Samhain-worshipers would do what most people in their right minds would consider unthinkable on the night of what we now know to be Halloween. "Trick-or-Treating" was actually something that was quite serious. People would dress up as evil beings and demons, performing different antics in exchange for food and drink. That is not even the beginning of the evil performed on the original Halloween. Child-sacrifice was required. The priests, or "Druids", would eat the flesh and drink the blood of their victims. On top of this wickedness, sexual perversion was rampant during this celebration. Orgies included incest and homosexuality. It is a chance to celebrate sin and "dance with the Devil", so says Satanic High Priestess Blanche Barton (on The Church of Satan website). It is, in fact, a time for homosexuals in particular to live in "a moment of utopian wishfulness" (Santino, Jack. Halloween and Other Festivals of Death and Life, p. 211). 

When I hear about Samhain and the rituals required on his night, the first thing that comes to my mind is the god Molech. In the Old Testament, God condemns Molech-worship because of the things it celebrated - namely, pure evil. It is also reminiscent of Sodom and Gomorrah. You all remember that place, right? Those were the cities so evil that God destroyed them with fire from Heaven. 

Now, I understand that the celebration of Halloween today is done in some innocence, but I have a huge problem with it. Paul says that we ought to reject any form of evil (1 Thess. 5:22). We are to set our minds on things above, not on the things that are on earth (Col. 3:1-2). I am not going to flat-out say that I think everyone who celebrates Halloween is in sin. That is not my say. In fact, I do not think that. Everyone is responsible for their own convictions and I do not in any way think someone is in sin if they participate in this holiday. If you invite me to go Trick-or-Treating or to a Harvest Party with you and your kids for fun and fellowship, I will probably do it. Here is what I will say: when I compile the information about this holiday and compare it to what is said in Scripture about the Lord's hatred for this kind of evil, it leaves me with a very strong inclination to be completely opposed to celebrating Halloween or having anything to do with it. That is my stance on Halloween. I would much rather celebrate Reformation Day.

If you want to know more about Halloween and its origins (from the same sites I found some of my information), check out these sites:
Halloween: A Covenant with Death and Hell
Halloween: The Fantasy and Folklore of All Hallows
Samhain, Lord of Darkness
Ancient Origins of Trick-or-Treating

My Hand is my Real Hand

People often ask me how many siblings I have. I have three younger sisters. I love them each dearly. The Lord put them all into our family in His own good timing and way. The next question is usually as to whether I can show a picture. I show people a picture of my family, and their faces go from "smiling and interested" to "smiling and confused." The reason? People expect a family of blond-haired, blue-eyed girls. Instead, they see two blond-haired, blue-eyed girls; one brown-haired, brown-eyed girl; and one black-haired, brown-eyed girl. That is not typically what people expect to see in a family photo. Of course, the next question is, "Are they your real sisters?" To which my answer is, "Of course. We have the same parents."

There is a common misconception about adoption that a lot of people seem to buy into. This misconception is that children brought into a family by adoption are different than children brought into a family by birth. In reality, they are all equally part of the family. They have different backgrounds and different genetics, but that doesn't change their status within the family. This is hard for some people to wrap their minds around. They simply cannot get past the idea that family members by adoption are equally members of the family as family members by birth. We don't differentiate between children by C-Section and children by natural birth. It's simply another way to bring a child into a family.

Adoption is so much more than papers and a name-change. That child is welcomed into the family with the same joy and excitement as a child who is born into a family. That family becomes their own family. The parents are legally the parents. The birth certificates are re-generated to have the new parents' names on them. Once papers are signed, the new parents become the only parents. There is no going back - that child is now fully part of the family. That child receives the same rights and privileges as any other child. Two of my sisters were born in the country of Colombia. That does not make them any less my sisters.

This is a beautiful picture of what we have in Christ. As believers, we are adopted into God's family (Romans 8:15). There is a reason that we call each other "brothers and sisters in Christ." The Father's adoption of us changes our identity. We become part of a family. There is no chance that it could ever be reversed. It is simply out of the question. We become heirs with Christ and will inherit blessing. Because of my personal experience with adoption, I have somewhat of a better understanding of what this means. I don't have a perfect understanding because we all live in a cursed world. But it is amazing to think about it in that light.

Being in a family that has received some children through adoption rather than birth has really changed my perspective. I didn't understand what it all meant before. Now I get it. I guess that, when someone hasn't gone through it personally, it makes it harder to understand. People don't realize the sometimes insensitive nature of their questions or comments. I often have to correct people in their questions as to whether they are my real sisters. Of course they are. My answer usually sounds like this: "If you mean to ask whether they are my biological sisters, then the answer is no. However, biological or not, they are just as much my real sisters as my hand is my real hand."

He led me where I thought I didn't want to go

The Lord leads us in so many ways that we don't expect. I didn't know that He could lead me in a direction so pointedly as He has these past few weeks. I went home to visit my family near the beginning of October. I got to spend almost a whole week there with them and with the believers in my church back home. Of course, this made me miss them a whole ton and wanted to go back. Don't get me wrong, I would miss all of my friends here to the enth degree, too, if I left. I also love everyone back home and I am sad to be apart from them right now. I have always said that I didn't want to do school and that I'd rather work. I'm not sure why that is, it's just where I gravitate. I told my parents that I wanted to leave Master's after the end of this semester and come home which really seemed to come out of left field to them. Not what they were expecting to hear.

I didn't want to hear anyone argue with me. I listened to counsel and prayed and asked the Lord to make it clear to me whether He would want me to go home or stay at school. Almost a week after I came back from visiting, I made a "final decision." My parents told me that they would be supportive of whatever decision I made, but that their counsel was for me to stay and grow that way. I wrote my parents an email, telling them where I was coming from. Here is part of it:

"I believe I have the freedom to choose whether I want to stay at Master's or go home. Once I make a final decision, I think I will be at rest. The Lord provides grace for mistakes, knows that I will fail, and has forgiven me anyway. If I make the wrong decision, I pray He will be gentle and gracious. Both options are equally beneficial in my opinion. He will still work out everything for my good because I am His and I love Him. The decision to stay may not be permanent. The decision to leave my not be permanent. I see benefit and blessing to staying and being involved here. I see benefit and blessing to leaving and changing the environment around me. It is before the Lord I stand and give account. He will teach me in the way I ought to go. Ultimately, God will judge my heart (Romans 14:12). I have listened to and heard counsel. I heeded counsel to come to Master's this year and it has been a good learning experience. I am in no way ungrateful for the Lord's provision for me to be here and I thank Him for it often. Through thought, prayer, and some study, I have come to a final decision about next semester. I have decided that I believe Fallon is the best place for me at this point in my unpredictable life."

That decision lasted all of four days. I kept having this nagging feeling that I was doing something wrong. I wanted to hurry up and get the semester over with so that I could get home before something prevented me. I was trying to undermine God - as if that were possible. I was so uneasy that I had to keep calling my parents to reassure me that my decision was okay. I knew their preference was for me to stay. They both thought I would benefit and grow more if I stayed at Master's. I didn't want that to be the case. 

Finally, after several days, I broke down and told my mom how I was feeling. I felt depressed ever since I made my decision. I kept feeling uneasy. I denied that my moods had anything to do with my decision, even though I knew that they were probably related. After talking with her for awhile, I finally changed my mind. With many tears, I went ahead and began my pre-registration for next semester. The tears did not last long, though. I was quickly in a better mood and have been happier ever since.

I know that those feelings of doubt, depression, and denial were worth listening to. There was a reason I was not feeling right. There was a reason I was having a hard time finding any joy. And I am oh so glad that I chose to stay!! It's not even the end of the semester yet, but I am excited to begin next semester. The reason? Because I know it's going to be worth it! I know that the outcome is going to be far beyond my expectations. I don't like being in an uncomfortable situation, but the Lord is going to grow me. And that is what I'm excited about. I am very much looking forward to staying at Master's and growing with the people here and in my church who I love. I praise the Lord for His faithfulness and gentleness in bringing me to a decision that I know will glorify Him and will have greater benefit. :)

Introduction - My Testimony

I have been encouraged to begin blogging, so I will be interested to see how this goes. I am always learning about my Lord and how I ought to live as a believer. I like to learn alongside others. This will be a somewhat candid shot of my heart as I am growing in the Lord. I figure my testimony would be a good place to begin.

As an unbeliever, I was very arrogant in my knowledge of theology. I have always been an intellectual individual, attempting to argue with people for the sake of winning an argument. My dad always told me I should become a lawyer, and I actually considered it. I always wanted to be right. I would often begin an argument simply for the sake of proving that my point was the only valid option. What I had to say held Biblical truth. I had those arguments because I knew - at least, in my head - that I was right. I didn't let it permeate into my heart. I couldn't. I wasn't regenerate. I didn't know the Lord.

I grew up in a solid Christian home. Ever since I was 6 years old, I have been under strong Biblical teaching. My parents always taught me the truth as they learned it more accurately. As they grew, my stores of knowledge grew. I was rebellious, but still receptive to Scripture - or so I imagined. By the time I was 13, I was making a claim to salvation and was baptized. I soon realized that I was not a believer. So, at 17, I was baptized again, thinking I was saved that time. Lo and behold, I was again duped by my own self-righteousness and quickly accepted the fact that I was still tied to this world. I loved everything it had to offer and had no real desire to belong to the Lord or obey Him. I could still have intelligent theological discussions and debates with just about anyone, and I was very proud of my knowledge.

While I was still 17, before I came to the understanding that I did not really love the Lord, I went to this place called The Master's College. Some of you may have heard of it. :) After one semester, I wanted to go back home with every fiber of my being. I didn't enjoy my time at school. I went home and quickly got a job, doing what I love - math! Little did I know that job would launch me into a career that I would follow with my whole heart. That's when things began to go downhill in my spiritual life.

While I was at that job, I became romantically entangled with my first boyfriend. He was sweet, gentle, funny, and we clicked almost immediately. We were good friends for several months and soon got ourselves into a relationship. Due to complications in that relationship, we ended up cutting things off peacefully. Three more relationships later, I found myself with a man I thought I could marry someday. The Lord had different plans for me (for which I am so very thankful).

This man and I had known each other for several years and were friends. I was interested in him for a long time, but it never went anywhere. So I eventually dropped it. Lo and behold, we began to pursue each other and quickly found ourselves in a relationship. There was one small problem - he was a professing believer, and I was openly a God-hater. I made myself very clear to just about anyone - I did not want God in my life and I sure didn't want to hear about Him. I enjoyed my sin. Due to some of the circumstances within the relationship, I made moves toward attending church again. I quickly broke off the relationship because of the above-mentioned "small" problem.

I went to church again the next week, not exactly sure why I was there. I didn't want  God in my life. I knew what that entailed: too much work for me. For some reason, I found myself attending a Bible study that week in my church. I was pretty open with everyone that I still didn't want to be saved. That evening, during accountability time, my pastor's wife began talking with me one-on-one. I told her that I didn't want to be saved because it was too difficult to be obedient. I loved my sin. It was fun. She shared with me the truth about saving faith - that it has nothing to do with our ability to be obedient. That clicked with me for some reason and I still remember what she shared with me. It was that night that the Lord opened my eyes and breathed life into my soul - He saved me that day! This means that I have now been baptized three times - but only once as a believer.

I am not sure why the Lord timed my salvation the way He did, but my first Sunday as a believer was Easter Sunday. I'll never forget how surreal it felt for me to be hearing the Easter sermon as a believer. It was quite an experience. Ever since then, the Lord has been so gracious to guide, grow, and protect me as His own child. The posts in the future of this blog will contain my new findings as I continue to grow in the Lord. I am a new creature - I don't have to live with the shame of my past anymore.